James / May 22nd, 2011

This is what happened when they put me in charge of the horoscope section of the school newspaper. (about age 9)

I was nuts. Let me retype it so you can read better, and so I can see how insane I was.

CAPRICORN (Born December 22 to January 19)
Something will try to knock you to the ground. Stand firm.

AQUARIUS (Born January 20 to February 18)
Be on the look out for a round purple object. Why? You’ll find out.

PISCES (Born February 19 to March 20)
You will find an orange dog in your living room.

ARIES (Born March 21 to April 19)
Everything will happen to you the way it is meant. Everything will be usual. Except for the green goat trashing up your kitchen.

TAURUS (Born April 20 to May 20)
I bet that you are going to drop something. Not much of a big deal, but I predict that one of these days YOU are going to drop something.

GEMINI (Born May 21 to June 20)
Within five years, you are going to find a million dollars on the street.

CANCER (Born June 21 to July 22)
You can’t count on these to come true, but THIS ONE is true. You are the same sign as me.

LEO (Born July 23 to August 22)
Be careful today. Someone who’s name begins with a Z is going to play a prank on you.

VIRGO (Born August 23 to September 22)
Hey! Look all over! Check all floors! You may find a tiny little golden thing that will give you magic powers.

LIBRA (Born September 23 to October 22)
You are going to eat a frog. You will find a giant bug in your bedroom. You will turn into a cat. You’ll eat another frog. And you’ll read a fake horoscope.

SCORPIO (Born October 23 to November 21)
When you come home one of these days, I suggest you DON’T enter at your normal entrance. Try the window, the back door, or maybe the chimney.

SAGITTARIUS (Born November 22 to December 21)
Don’t look up in the sky. Something may fall on you.




  • May 22, 2011 at 6:05 am

    Heh, if you weren’t so busy with other things I’d say you should write more of these. 🙂

  • VinalTat

    May 22, 2011 at 6:06 am

    Very bias but funny.
    I’m a Libra. I think that being a cat isn’t that horrible, but eating a frog over again? How unforgiving!

  • viJilance

    May 22, 2011 at 6:25 am

    I’m Leo, fuck anybody who tires pranks on me

  • May 22, 2011 at 6:34 am

    These are so specific and still very generic… Some of them make sense, like the first one, but some are just crazy. Love it!
    (Also I love that you spelled horoscope with two R’s on the top of the page but with one R in the Libra one)

    I’m Sagittarius, I’m gonna try not to look up in the sky.

  • alex01axel

    May 22, 2011 at 7:01 am

    thank god i’m the 16th of June. i will be rich

  • Teus

    May 22, 2011 at 7:27 am

    Oh noes, my kitchen! haha

  • May 22, 2011 at 7:43 am

    So the Libra horoscope is fake because it says so?


  • Jonez69

    May 22, 2011 at 9:12 am

    Round purple object, eh?
    Better keep my eyes open

  • goldeneye007man

    May 22, 2011 at 9:19 am

    im gonna get a million dollars…thxjames!!!

  • encey

    May 22, 2011 at 9:38 am

    Cancers represent!

  • May 22, 2011 at 9:48 am

    I don’t know any person with a first name starting with Z, so I should be all right!

  • May 22, 2011 at 9:59 am

    Hey, you predicted my sign (Pisces) right. I do have a dog in my living room. She’s not orange though, she’s a blondie, lol!

  • Faroutdude

    May 22, 2011 at 10:10 am

    hahah this shit is hilarious! I wish i could find some old school papers of mine because i was a crazy little kid to. I gotta watch out for that fucking green goat trashing up my kitchen lol

  • May 22, 2011 at 10:18 am

    goddamn green goats always fucking up my kitchen

  • Shcha

    May 22, 2011 at 10:28 am

    Yay! I am also Cancer!

  • Devilhunter969

    May 22, 2011 at 10:59 am

    That was pretty freaky, after reading mine my dog walked into my living room and he has a slightly ginger coat!!!

  • AikoujOi

    May 22, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    I have the same sign as James cool.

    All of those were very funny lol

  • TomM

    May 22, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    I’m a Pisces. I can’t wait to find that orange dog in my living room. Can I keep it?

  • GamesForGabe

    May 22, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Whats this orange dog doing here? XD

  • May 22, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    Time to preemptively prank my friend Zack!

    But first, I need to befriend someone named Zack.

  • Kiarachu

    May 22, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    I don’t know anyone who’s name begin with Z…and if I knew someone like this and he/she will do a prank to me he/she felt my evil wrath!
    And I lol’d at the green goat…

  • Actraiser

    May 22, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    man i wish i still had all my crazy shit from my childhood

  • danny

    May 22, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    Nice, I could really use a million dollars. For… something?

    I used to write for our school newspaper too, but unfortunately I threw out all that stuff years ago. I kinda regret it now.

  • TNK

    May 22, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    I wonder if Weird Al got a hold of a copy of this and was inspired to write “Your Horoscope for Today”?

  • killteck

    May 22, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    James are you sure you didn’t just make this up today?

  • May 22, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    Oh my God, I DID drop something today! You are psychic! XD

  • virilevocalist

    May 22, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    LOL this reminds me of that spin off of Space Ghost Coast To Coast…. Cartoon Planet!!!

    One of the little sketches from that show would be Zorak’s Horrorscopes, where he’d pretty much insult you, hahahaha.

  • May 23, 2011 at 12:33 am

    Huh, I have gone into my house through the window lately…

  • May 23, 2011 at 1:08 am

    Actually I did watch the McKids review and you did mention Grimace’s house looking like Barney the Dinosaurs testicles, which happened to be round and purple…Well.. you got me there!

    -Aquarius, out!

  • May 23, 2011 at 1:45 am

    I wish I was that ambitious at 9.

  • Fredward

    May 23, 2011 at 2:23 am

    LOL that is some seriously funny shit, it’s crazy that you came up with stuff like that at 9! The scorpio one especially made me ROFL.

  • bill

    May 23, 2011 at 2:54 am

    so that is why my dog is orange

  • May 23, 2011 at 8:42 am

    Wow, Gemini is the most graced, lucky me!

    Seriously, looking at all these James child stuff, if I was one of his teachers I wold suggested psychological tutelary jeje…

  • ZeFlyGuy

    May 23, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    LIBRA (Born September 23 to October 22)
    You are going to eat a frog. You will find a giant bug in your bedroom. You will turn into a cat. You’ll eat another frog. And you’ll read a fake horoscope.

    I love that one.

  • MegatoastX

    May 23, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    I was born on march 10, and I found a golden retreiver in my living room. Does that count?

  • May 23, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    I can’t wait to get my magic powers!

  • TheLHP

    May 23, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    i better keep a lookout for my money these next 5 years.

  • May 24, 2011 at 12:11 pm


    I did something similar but this was when I was working for the school magazine when i was about 17yo.

    We called it horrorskåpet, wich is basicly the same thing in swedish.


    May 24, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    Dead on with TAURUS.

  • JcPhear

    May 24, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    Its kinda scary how accurate you are..
    I’m a Cancer

  • May 25, 2011 at 3:25 am

    Even as a kid you had a warped sense of humor. I suppose that shouldn’t come as much surprise. 🙂

  • May 25, 2011 at 9:46 am

    I’m a cancer too

  • Undertaker91

    May 25, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    lol mine was the only real horoscope, Capricorn. too bad, i always get the boring ones

  • May 27, 2011 at 10:53 am

    still havent found a million dollars

  • blazbluesonic

    May 28, 2011 at 4:11 am

    these are just as random as the horoscopes in ape escape 2 xD

  • May 28, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    I’m a Scorpio, and I was forced to enter my house through the back door one day, since the front door was locked and I didn’t have a key XD

  • May 30, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    Taurus = You drop your balls! 😀

  • Haristo

    June 1, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    I’m the same sign as James ! FUCK YEAH ! 😀

  • Kate

    June 30, 2011 at 10:37 am

    Am I the same sign as you? (im a cancerian!) LLLOOOLLL, good ones! check these ones out i just found earlier this week: its my birthday soon so i’m having a horoscope fiesta! hahahahaa

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