Old written game reviews – SNES

James / April 3rd, 2011

I found these old game reviews I wrote for a school newspaper, around 1994. These were my first reactions to Donkey Kong Country and Super Metroid. I never considered myself a writer, and was never good at spelling or grammar, but that improved as time went on. It helps to start at a young age.

Notice I cut out the carboard game boxes and laid them on the copying machine. No wonder I don’t have all my old game boxes anymore.


  • April 3, 2011 at 10:20 am

    Reminds me of my current job of writing movie reviews for a local Maine newspaper. I too have improved my language skills from time to time though I still have my Dad as editor. In fact if you’re interested, I’ll e-mail you links to my reviews on the paper’s website!

  • sconethief

    April 3, 2011 at 10:39 am

    Not enough ASSSSSS or FUUUUUUUUCK in these old ones.

  • XxTylerRichxX

    April 3, 2011 at 10:40 am

    Dude Allen, I think I might read that paper, what section of Maine?

  • April 3, 2011 at 10:55 am

    James, you should have put a spoiler alert on the Super Metroid review!! XD

  • GoldRoger

    April 3, 2011 at 11:43 am

    Nice one, but on the Metroid review you told the whole story, haha

  • Butch Bitch

    April 3, 2011 at 11:44 am

    You know, as a 14 year old, you sound so innocent compared to today’s 14 year olds. How time changes!

  • killteck

    April 3, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    motherfucker! I haven’t played these ones yet! Thanks for ruining it for me.

  • April 3, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Seriously, where was the spoiler warning? 😛

    For what its worth, I still play Donkey Kong Country (on Super NES, of course) every once in a while. It’s still fun!

  • April 3, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    I had better writing ability at 12, lol. And now I’m 14 and a pro.

    Amazing to see how much better James has gotten in writing. Soooo much better.

  • JustApollo

    April 3, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    A pro? Like you write books and movie screenplays? I highly doubt that and you just have unwarranted self importance.

  • Ronin

    April 3, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    Great stuff James! Makes me wonder at what point you went from reviewing the best games around to the worst of all time. Thanks for keeping fresh stuff coming to the site!

  • April 3, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    “I think its good for your mind” 🙂

  • welshwuff

    April 3, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    You should tottally make these into AVGN videos, but stick to EXACTLY what’s written as the script.

  • 19Szabolcs91

    April 3, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    These are cute and innocent, but boy, are they bad 😀

    Not any worse than all the shit I wrote as a kid though.

  • April 3, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    @ JustApollo
    By “pro”, I mean I write reviews. Damn fine ones that have people CONSTANTLY (which is kinda annoying) asking for me to join their damn game site. THAT kind of pro.

    If you’re proficient at reviews, you’re not gonna have an easy time writing books. Just like if you write books, reviews are harder for you to do without making them long as hell.

    Written screenplays for several machinima, since I’m more of a gamer than a movie buff.

    So, yes, pro. At least know who I am before going off on me like an ass.

  • Dr. Dib

    April 3, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    Looking at your review makes me appreciate the fact that I had a computer since I started school. It made correcting really simple mistakes easy.

    That being said, I still find it hard to believe you wrote them at the age of 14. Either you failed English class, were too busy playing the game to write a review, or that’s just New Jersey.

    I’m pretty sure I wrote way better at the age of 14. Now I’ll just look at a paper I wrote from then and CRAP.

  • itscmillertime

    April 3, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    @killteck You haven’t played these games yet? You’re a little behind my friend. Seeing as DKC is 17 years old now! Man, I feel old. I bought this game when it first came out. It came with my super nintendo. That was back when I was in 3rd grade. Man, what a sweet game. I’m going to play it now on http://www.virtualsupernes.com since my cartridge is back at my parents house.

  • dylantj23

    April 3, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    james theres a stadium event on ebay for 500 dollars!!!!!!


  • April 3, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    Two games that I’ve owned since they were released; I still go back to them every few years. Your enthusiasm wasn’t unjustified.

  • TomM

    April 3, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    Thanks for posting. Really enjoy the smaller things you put up until the big stuff comes out.

  • Jigglysaint

    April 3, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    It would actually be kind of funny to appear on camera as the AVGN and read the review as some sort of self-reflection. Anyway though, great reviews. I will confess that I never played Donkey Kong Country, but of course I agree with Super Metroid all the way.

  • killteck

    April 3, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    yes, I have played them. Super Metroid much, much more than DKC. Back in like ’94. That is, when I wasn’t playing with myself.

  • LukeNeufeld

    April 3, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    Lol, posting on Weebly? Yeah, that’s real pro. Your amazing review site only has five reviews on it, too. I don’t doubt that you’re a good writer, but you’re a little too full of yourself.

  • April 3, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    @ LukeNeufeld
    Oh, man. You’re looking at something from ages ago. Weebly? Wow…

    And I got rid of all the reviews on Weebly, so how…

    OH! That OTHER piece of shit.

    1. No, there’s more than 5 reviews. Look in the different tabs.
    2. I’ve gone to another place since then. An actual site, not some subdomain crap.
    3. Full of myself? How is it that I’m full of myself when people ask me DAILY to join their site? People don’t just say, “Oh, you wrote some review. Can you write reviews for us”, you know? For people that bother to look, I have quite an extensive history and many reviews that you do and don’t see. Well over 100 that I’ve shared with a variety of different places. The fact that people are looking in these places and saying, “Damn, dude, you’re better than the mainstream” (not even lying, some normal viewer told me that). There’s a difference between being full of yourself, and knowing that you’re better in quality cause you’re better at one thing than someone else is.

    And 10th grade English always helps…

  • April 3, 2011 at 11:11 pm

    Those reviews are cool. Brings back good memories of the SNES.

  • April 3, 2011 at 11:42 pm

    You really used really a lot in the DKC review,

  • frostare

    April 3, 2011 at 11:50 pm

    Is Zelda: A Link to the Past, your favorite Zelda game?
    Heh, spoilers much in that Super Metroid review.

  • komlev

    April 4, 2011 at 4:26 am

    I wonder, what would it looks like if your reviews were about “Little Red Hood” or “Super pitfall”?

  • encey

    April 4, 2011 at 7:38 am

    ALttP is my favorite game too.

  • April 4, 2011 at 7:50 am

    I love ALttP.. waiting for a good fan-remake/ ROM hack of it.

  • April 4, 2011 at 11:25 am

    Reminds me so much of the old grade school newspaper. I don’t think ours was ever cool enough to have video game reviews in them however.

  • Romulator

    April 4, 2011 at 11:29 am

    everytime you post something like this my impression of you James goes up 10 fold, you are an amazingly beautiful an driven man. I wonder how you have managed to make a living out of your passion? do you now make all your money from Cinnemassacre or do you have a job, like a normal job – a dentist perhaps? well you do wear white a lot?

    anyway I love the fact that you have been passionate for so long and so prouctive, if the average person only uses a tenth of their brain you must surely use at least 2 thirds, do you suffer from an autistic spectrum disoreder, high functioning like asperger as you are more driven than any other man I know and this is not a put down, but you do go that extra mile.

    I play lots of games here and watched TMNT all the cartoons free, you can play them here too if you like, its a gift from me and totally free /www.vizzed.com/vizzedboard/retrotoons/index.php?show=13&ref=65348

    and there is no BOOM!

    just inspector gadget!!!!!!!!!

  • April 4, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    Lol these are pretty cool to see. I’ve been checking out all the things you post in between AVGN videos. Your old artwork in particular. I always think to my self as to how creative, productive, and expressive you are, and so it ultimately inspires me to do the same.

    You’re just bursting with creation, in any shape or form, you like to make shit, and that’s fuckin cool. So many people out there only dream about brushing a stroke against that canvas just for the hell of it, or writing a novel, even if it’s one they would keep to themselves. But often don’t because they don’t think they have the time or the nerve for it. Or worse, that they’re not good enough.

    You’ve obviously taken full advantage of your capabilities in any area you possibly could, and for that I comend you!

    Creating, rather than reiterating, is the best use of anybody’s time. Keep up the good work!

  • April 4, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    Ah, that takes me back to the glory days of the evil typewriters. I still remember the fury of fighting with that damn machine when I wrote my school essays. Tippex everywhere and the frickin types getting stuck all the time. Not to mention the stupid glue; allways either dry or clinging on everything. But it is also a sting of nostalgia when I think back on the cutting, pasting and copying. So much effort we had to put into our school articles and essays back then.

    It was ‘really’ 🙂 nice reading your reviews. I love how you gave away the whole Metroid-ending. Spoiler alert unnecessary 😀

  • nitroangus23

    April 4, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    That’s awesome James,it’s so interesting to read your reviews/drawings/anything from your adolescent days.

    It’s amazing how long you’ve been doing this.



    LOL no one cares….

    I bet you back is sore,

    Keep on patting yourself like that,and it may start to bruise…..

  • gdol

    April 4, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    I like seeing old stuff from James, he really reminds me of myself at young age

  • April 4, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    Wow… you never hear of spoilers as a kid? You pretty much told the entire ending of Super Metroid in that review! LOL

    I’m guessing you never played the original Metroid or Metroid 2 prior to Super Metroid eh?

  • SharkAttack

    April 4, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    I highly, highly doubt that Donkey Kong Country would’ve been the hardest game you’d ever played.

    Sure, it’s challenging at parts, but there HAD to have been games you’ve played beforehand that were much more difficult.

  • GirTheRobot

    April 4, 2011 at 11:33 pm

    1. DKC being the hardest game you’ve ever played is just lol worthy right now.
    2. I love how you spoiled everything for Super Metroid. Some kids probably read that and were like “What the fuck?”

  • markwritesmusic

    April 5, 2011 at 1:37 am


    You realize that nobody gives a shit right? What are these, “gaming websites that contact you daily,” asking you to join? I highly doubt you’re as good as you say you are, considering you had to come on here and brag about yourself. People are saying you’re full of yourself because had you pat yourself on your back any harder, you would have broken it. Nobody gives a shit about you, your shitty game reviews, or what shitty PS3 or 360 game your mommy and daddy bought you this week. Get off the fucking internet. Seriously. Where are your parents? Why do they allow their 14 year old child to have free reign on the internet? If my child spoke like you do, I’d beat the shit out of them. When Blistered Thumbs, ScrewAttack, The Game Heroes, or Retroware TV contact you about doing reviews, THEN come on here and brag. As it stands, nobody really cares if http://www.xboxis1337.tk asked you to give a one paragraph synopsis of the latest FPS. Go crawl back into your little self-glorifying hole and stroking your ego.

    God, sorry about the tangent. It’s just… Kids like you… You build yourself up too much. If you’re as good as you say you are, you shouldn’t have to TELL everyone you’re as good as you are. Your work should speak for itself. Link us to some of your, “better than mainstream,” work. Seriously, what does that even mean? That you’re better than things like IGN? Funny, because I don’t think you write for IGN. Fuck, I don’t even think you could possibly write for G4.

    As for these reviews, I used to do the exact same thing James. I used to write game reviews on a piece of printer/construction paper, cut a picture of the game out of Nintendo Power, and then make copies and pass them out to all my friends. I was only in like, 3rd grade. And all my friends thought I was fucking weird. But I had fun! Also, I specifically remember spelling ZAMN as, “Zombies Ate My Nabors.”

    I always enjoy seeing little bits and pieces of your past and present psyche. It’s interesting to see just how driven you were, even at such a fresh young age. I love seeing shit like this. Keep up the excellent work!

  • April 5, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    So it seems as if you were in the eighth grade? If that is the case, these are pretty good reviews for an eighth grader. I think there can be better reviewing from an eighth grade source, but you are probably in the 85th percentile when it comes to reviewing in eighth grade. Want to see more if you can find them!

  • kreiddx

    April 6, 2011 at 12:15 am

    nice reviews its like going to the past

  • Pogiforce

    April 6, 2011 at 11:37 am

    Provide links, cuz all I’m finding of you is utter crap and websites that aren’t worth a damn.
    @Allen Lucas
    Dude, the comments section is not the place to try to plug your newspaper column.

    You can tell by reading these just how much James’ mind was utterly blown by how awesome these games are. Reduced to “terriffic!!! Wonderful!!! Wow!!!!” with liberal use of exclamation points. Ha. XD Can’t judge though, I’m 23 and I still get like that sometimes when I talk about games I really like.

  • killteck

    April 6, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    How can you say that about our friend gamerdude122? He’s a fucking pro! didn’t you read his awesome review about himself? And at only 14?! Well I’m sure he will be writing for GI or probably GamePro, since that’s what he is. Has anyone look at that rag lately? I think 12 and 14 year-olds actually do write for it.

  • April 7, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    Got anymore reviews James? I uh…happened to come across eleven thousand SNES games and need some help deciding what to play 😉

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  • ClassicGamer

    April 7, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    How old were you when you did these? The Super Metroid one seemed to be written at a different age than the DKC one. You seemed better at writing in the Super Metroid one.

  • dull weasel

    April 9, 2011 at 7:51 am

    wow, and what grade were u in back then

  • JohnnyPeps

    April 12, 2011 at 11:45 pm

    I was also a SNES fanboy lol

  • Elvenking

    April 22, 2011 at 11:15 pm

    It really is a trip to see how your revies have evolved over time. Dare I say at the risk of my manliness, that it is cute to see a kid get so excited about a game. I remember feeling the same way.

  • Ken10Ethan

    April 24, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    Man i wish you had a EarthBound review, great game for the SNes…Terribly underrated for most people though

  • Romulator

    April 26, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    and James’s new beard – BOOM!


  • April 28, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    Oh man, reading this just makes me seriously happy. Fun fact, LoZ: ALttP is my second favourite game ever, second only to Super Metroid!

    Good times.

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