Treasure of the Four Crowns (1983)

Mike / February 13th, 2012


  • pogopopex4

    February 13, 2012 at 12:08 am

    FIRST great review

  • pogopopex4

    February 13, 2012 at 12:09 am

    great review as always

  • SkipJones

    February 13, 2012 at 12:14 am

    Das alot of crap commin’ at you

    • statueofmike

      February 13, 2012 at 12:23 am

      @SkipJones Axe body spray?

    • legend killer

      February 13, 2012 at 12:39 am

      lol!!!! good one man. @SkipJones

  • Prophet Wing

    February 13, 2012 at 12:38 am

    “The ball’s on fire…” And I thought that kind of talk was reserved for the Board James segments… No offense intended, Mike, I’m just making a cheesy meta-gag.

    But still, this movie is pretty much the cinematic equivalent of a PDQ Bach sym-phony. Plagiaristic at every turn, but still enough to make you laugh all the way.

    What’s the next movie you have lined up?

  • Yowza

    February 13, 2012 at 12:39 am

    Hmm, I guess the “Motherfuckin’ Monday” slogan and Motherfucker Mike name are being downplayed or scrapped? Hope it’s not a response similar to people hating the accent in OverAnalyzers so much that it got changed.

  • Dino D L

    February 13, 2012 at 12:43 am

    Death Wish was not made by Cannon Films. Death Wish 2, 3, 4, and 5 were after they bought the rights to do so. Also, since it was based on a novel, it was not made to cash in on Dirty Harry. In fact, it almost didn’t get made at all given it’s controversial subject matter.

  • RenzoNaupari

    February 13, 2012 at 12:44 am

    aaaaawww no “It’s motherfucking monday” intro? ;9

    • Doogrisa

      February 13, 2012 at 3:19 am

      @RenzoNaupari he got tired of it. I never liked calling him a mother fucker anyway.

  • LysanderTheevilmonkey

    February 13, 2012 at 12:45 am

    LMAO! Link’s part was hilarious

  • JayDecay

    February 13, 2012 at 12:52 am

    I hope you keep doing these after James is done with the movie, man.

  • TerrifyerX07

    February 13, 2012 at 1:46 am

    My favorite review youve done yet man, you get better with each one. Keep it up mike! And keep it goin even after James gets back if you can.

  • JamesKuhns

    February 13, 2012 at 1:50 am

    James, you never made A Boy And His Blob and I need a part in your movie, here’s a short movie I made on break at work:

  • Analbag thats me

    February 13, 2012 at 1:55 am

    Definitely the best motherfucking monday review so far. These keep getting better haha

  • thedeadhalo

    February 13, 2012 at 2:18 am

    Funniest MotherFuckingMonday review yet!

  • Doogrisa

    February 13, 2012 at 2:37 am

    3D overload! eyeballs will self destruct in T minus 8:23!

  • Darkhyrulelord

    February 13, 2012 at 2:40 am

    Perhaps Zelda took the triforce idea from that guy’s forehead? After all, it WAS made in 1983…

    • Doogrisa

      February 13, 2012 at 3:15 am

      @Darkhyrulelord that is possible.

    • EXPLODA!

      February 13, 2012 at 3:30 am

      @Darkhyrulelord I think they got it from the Hojo clan’s symbol.

    • BreanStilz

      February 13, 2012 at 12:35 pm

      @Darkhyrulelord Nay, the symbol that would become the Triforce has a long history in Japan. A lot of Japanese and Buddhist items were incorporated in the games, like the swastika level design and masks in Majora’s Mask.

  • Spoongoonkay

    February 13, 2012 at 3:18 am

    No motherfucking monday intro? Otherwise good review.

  • Erwinator

    February 13, 2012 at 3:34 am

    So Cannon is a moviecompany like ‘The Asylum’ ?

  • February 13, 2012 at 3:36 am

    Oh dude, you got me with Robo Vampire, I think you got me with this one too! Gotta see it

  • kuli

    February 13, 2012 at 4:24 am

    Realyl good one Mike, it’s really nice to see, how you progress every week. 2-3 more months, and your reviews will be simply outstanding.

  • Vok

    February 13, 2012 at 5:19 am

    what a shitty movie. :p

  • DerekShort

    February 13, 2012 at 5:28 am

    Who knew that axe spray products were so powerful

  • BertPfefferle

    February 13, 2012 at 5:28 am

    Great movie review to a really shity movie but I got one better its called Dragonball The Magic Begins a live action remake of the anime movie Dragonball and the curse of the blood rubies made it Thiwan in 1991. I don’t know what meadom it came out in a friend of mine gave it to me in AVI formate. If you run across it you will not believe what a piece of shit it is.

  • February 13, 2012 at 6:02 am

    I couldn’t see ANY ressemblance between the Raiders boulder-scene and this one’s fireball-scene… NOTHING!!!!!!

  • THB306

    February 13, 2012 at 6:11 am

    That movie looked like it made no sense whatsoever. A crap monster at the very end? Let me guess, they never made a sequel? So that crap monster thing has no point now!

  • GratesMusicbox

    February 13, 2012 at 6:50 am

    death wish is legitimately awesome tho, charles bronson kicks ass

  • Fabio Albuquerque

    February 13, 2012 at 7:05 am

    Please, try Alucarda!

  • DonSkiver

    February 13, 2012 at 7:34 am

    I miss your “Motherfuckin’ Monday” intro. Though I can understand why you might want to distance yourself from the “motherfucker” persona and just be “mike”.

    Anyways, great review. I’m loving these really cheesy shitty movies you’re reviewing. They’re all so god damned terrible, it’s great. Keep up the good work!

    • OfficialJab

      February 13, 2012 at 12:53 pm

      @DonSkiver I don’t see why a persona would hurt him, James is hardly James, he’s pretty much just known by 90% of his fanbase as the nerd. Hell, MFMike at least has his name in it, and is awesome.

    • February 13, 2012 at 2:12 pm

      @DonSkiverI too miss the motherfucking mondays intro. He’s getting older now and having a nickname like Motherfucker Mike probably seems pretty immature to him but truthfully he’s kinda created a monster that I suspect will haunt him to his grave and it’d be more graceful to just flow with it rather than resist or fight it.

  • February 13, 2012 at 7:58 am

    Still better than the entire Transformers trilogy.

    • OfficialJab

      February 13, 2012 at 12:53 pm

      @Nuketehbomb hipsteeeeeeeer

  • SpoonerXYZ

    February 13, 2012 at 8:12 am

    Come on, Cannon was not specificly ripping off any other movies, neither is the original Death Wish a) a Cannon production nor b) a Dirty Harry knock off in any way. It’s two completely different movies, both good in their own right (though Dirty Harry is better). Cannon ist mostly known for making a lot of cult action movies, such as The Delta Force, American Ninja, Murphys Law etc. If any movie is was made to cash in after Dirty Harry, it’s McQ starring John Wayne.

    • Dino D L

      February 13, 2012 at 8:31 am

      @SpoonerXYZ Yes. And if we are going to be really specific, Cannon didn’t even actually make this film. See, the Italians were the ones making all the Indiana Jones knock-offs, such as: Ark Of The Sun God, Hunters Of The Golden Cobra, Jungle Raiders (another one distributed by Cannon that might have had some actual Cannon money) and the one Mike is reviewing here. Cannon just stepped in to distribute the film. If you go to IMDB and look under “company credits” you will see that Cannon, nor anyone from Cannon had anything to do with this film. But I really don’t blame Mike for getting that one wrong as many places site Cannon as the maker of this turd. They may have given some grace money (completion funds) so that they were given the American distribution rights, but they simply didn’t not make this one. On a side note, if you want to see some great Italian Raiders rip-offs, then check out Ark Of The Sun God, and Hunters Of The Golden Cobra. They are a blast. Ark actually has a car chase scene that cuts between real cars and toy cars. You’ll have a good time with these. But like Mike said, avoid Treasure Of The Four Crowns, it’s just plain bad. Also, is it just me, or does this film’s lead look a lot like Don Stark from That 70′s show?

      • Big McLargehuge

        February 13, 2012 at 8:35 am

        @Dino D L @SpoonerXYZ Cannon films did “King Soloman’s Mines” which was a shameless rip-off of Indiana Jones (The source material wasn’t, but their adaptation was). It even had John Rhys-Davies (Salah) in it.

      • Dino D L

        February 13, 2012 at 8:47 am

        @Big McLargehuge @SpoonerXYZ Well, that’s one. But for the most part, Cannon started trends. They were not always good trends, but trends none the less. All studios try to cash in on successful hits which is why you have movies that would come out with similar themes from different companies: Like in the 80′s when you would have The Abyss from one company, and Leviathan, and Deep Star Six from two others. Or the brain swap movies such as: Like Father Like Son, 18 Again, Dream A Little Dream, and Vice Versa. Heck, sometimes studios didn’t wait for a films release. They would hear about an upcoming project and want to start one of their own, which is why cheaper knock-offs like Deep Star Six got out before The Abyss. So it is not unique to any one comapny. They all do it.Now, could somebody go get me a rewrite on this The Avengers meets Lord Of The Rings hybrid. : )

  • Big McLargehuge

    February 13, 2012 at 8:26 am

    Nice, I love Cannon’s films from the 80′s when the company was run by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus. They made some of the best “bad” movies of the decade like Enter the Ninja. I haven’t heard of this one though, it looks, uh, interesting.

  • Freddy20_

    February 13, 2012 at 8:36 am

    I like that you have more on-screen jokes now Mike. Your reviews are definitely improving each week. Good job, keep it up!

  • Big McLargehuge

    February 13, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Hey Mike, your Three Stooges t-shirt is awesome.

  • February 13, 2012 at 9:01 am

    Even if you don’t say it, I still think of this as “Mother FN Monday.”

    Also, have you seen R.O.T.O.R? Classic lame sci-fi.

  • TwistedSpeech

    February 13, 2012 at 9:45 am

    Mike, you cannot compare Dirty Harry & Death Wish. They’re two totally different films and both are exceptionally good.

  • Montesinos7

    February 13, 2012 at 9:48 am

    Okay, this stuff is cool to hod us off, but seriously, when is the new AVGN coming out. (BTW please keep doing motherfuckin mondays) The modern day version of cannon wish would be the asylum.

    • GreatSoren

      February 13, 2012 at 11:10 am


      James is working on the AVGN movie and won’t be making AVGNs until he’s done. Don’t you ever watch or read anything on this site besides AVGN?

  • Snuffmonkey

    February 13, 2012 at 11:05 am

    Lol hilarious review

  • KingsleyBlancher

    February 13, 2012 at 11:28 am

    dude thats the kings of hyrule

  • sterling.treadwell

    February 13, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Very kool. I like that you did a bit of animation for the in-jokes. Since you have an art background and we all know you can draw great, it’d be a nice way to create your own unique edge to all these projects by working that angle. I don’t think it’d need ot be insanely overanimated or a screen joke every 10 seconds, but i do really enjoy seeing you get creative like that. :)

  • February 13, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    Carl Barks is a legend.

  • February 13, 2012 at 12:19 pm


  • February 13, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    Actually, “Treasure Of The Four Crowns” was only distributed by Cannon not made by Cannon. If it had been made by Cannon it would have been AMAZING!

  • ArnoldKim

    February 13, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    If you want to talk about Cannon films ripping off Indiana Jones, a MUCH more blatant example would be the Alan Quatermain films with Richard Chamberlain. yeah, the Quatermain books came first, but these films were clearly meant to cash in on Indy.

    Hell, they even featured John Rhys-Davies in a supporting role.

  • February 13, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    Great review Mike! You’re creating yolur own style of reviewing – and I’m really enjoying it. ^^

  • eyeballphone

    February 13, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    I’ve always liked when movies have the songs play when the credits are over. It happens in Tron and Shock Treatment. But those are also high kick inducing jams.

  • supercainn

    February 13, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    I hate indiana jones, its nothing but jewish propaganda bullshit…

    • February 13, 2012 at 2:09 pm

      @supercainn Well I didn’t expect to read that today…

    • Big McLargehuge

      February 13, 2012 at 2:39 pm

      @supercainnCare to elaborate, or are you just an immature hate-filled troll? The series seems to have more Christian symbolism than anything else. George Lucas, who created the character, is not Jewish.

      Let me guess, you’ve never actually even seen any of the films, right? What would the Jewish community need to propagate in this day in age anyway?

    • ChristopherAndert

      February 13, 2012 at 3:40 pm

      @supercainn I…I think that this is a joke comment. I cannot quit tell.

  • Skeletor

    February 13, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    History repeating!? Or what else to say about the current 3D-hype. Yet again 3D often seems to be more important than plot and character development. And it also adds to the movie-trailer-cliches: Blablabla – “This summer” – blablabla – record-scratch, gag – blablabla – Adam Sandler – blablabla – “In 3D!”

  • ionr

    February 13, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    0:45 – really how can you not think of turkish star wars? some guy jumping through the air to the indiana jones theme :D

    • February 13, 2012 at 4:02 pm

      @ionr This thing with it in this review is that Mike has put on the Indy music, in Turkish Star Wars it’s part of the actual film.

    • February 13, 2012 at 4:02 pm

      @ionr This thing with it in this review is that Mike has put on the Indy music, in Turkish Star Wars it’s part of the actual film.

  • February 13, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    There are so many terrible 80′s and early 90′s flicks that laughably tried to set up a sequel that never came to fruition.

    • Big McLargehuge

      February 13, 2012 at 6:48 pm

      @JATHE_Tommy Yeah, like Mac & Me. Thank Christ he never came back.

  • MetaZora

    February 13, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    God I love the 3rd Friday the 13th..Not for the 3D though. Mike, you should do a review of the Puppet Master series!!! :D I always hoped it was one you guys would talk about on here.

  • Jason Clarke

    February 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    mf monday!

  • Jason R Rahming

    February 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm


  • Louis-Philippe Savoie

    February 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    What a horrible film!

  • James Lowrey

    February 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    today is a good day

  • Frankie Marino

    February 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    question to all you Indiana Jones nerds: why didn’t Mr. Jones just stand still when that rock started rolling? it would have passed safely over head.

  • David Magana

    February 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    You should review the Jack Hunter series. Now those are bad movies.

  • Dan Shoemaker

    February 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    @Frankie, you don’t need to be a “nerd” to realize the rock closed off the only way of exiting the cavern..

  • John Lamb

    February 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    very bad it was.

  • Brian Record

    February 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    @frankie. If he stood still the rock wouldve sealed him in the cave

  • Mike Speakman

    February 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    I read Treasure of the Four Clowns….. >.>

  • Justin Hartjes

    February 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    LOL, only three crowns.

  • Tige Totoro

    February 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    That movie is damn-near impossible to find these days.

  • Kelvyn Bienvenido Acosta Padilla

    February 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    amazon power and get a real old VHS i miss that

  • Hugo Gonzalez

    February 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    no fame & fortune here.

  • Ensign Riff Wolf

    February 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Way to go Mad Mike!

  • Frankie Marino

    February 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    ah, i didn’t realize that. but i think id rather be sealed in a cave than squished by a rock. then again, i’m not a badass archeologist ;)

  • Cole_Patrick

    February 13, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    okie, mikes growing on me, this one was much better.

  • February 13, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    Being an awful movie lover, I find myself running straight here every Monday to see your reviews. Keep them coming.

  • Creep

    February 13, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    Great review.

  • TRhamy

    February 13, 2012 at 3:52 pm


  • Corleone74

    February 13, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    I’m ok with gimmicky 3-D in comedy or horror movies. But not this shit.

  • February 13, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    downloaded this off demonoid, this was hilarious!

  • ABOhiccups

    February 13, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    Live like a windrammer as you fuck.

    • Big McLargehuge

      February 13, 2012 at 4:16 pm

      @ABOhiccups I just watched that Mailbag episode. I laughed my fucking ass off! That email was hilarious!

  • JoeyZavala

    February 13, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    As soon as I saw that “C->” at the beginning, I knew this movie couldn’t be good. Cannon was like the LJN of cinema

    • Devil_Rising

      February 14, 2012 at 1:41 pm

      @JoeyZavala Nah, SOME of their movies were decent. NONE of LJN’s game really were.

  • SonicUnderground316

    February 13, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    No offence but your jokes on these monday reviews sound a too little forced to me. In fact, your reviews start to remind me of the Nostalgia Critic ones(especialy in this episode) they’re still more informatives though. I used to love critic review but now they’re going down hill. I prefer when you share your spontanious reaction with us (or at least what seem to be spontanius reactions) like in the Street fighter movie or the Screaming Werewolf review. In these review, you sound more natural and spontanious which was funny. I’m not trying to be an ass hole or being a pretencious punk who think he can do better, here it just what i’ve notice.

    Still keep up the good work.

  • SonicUnderground316

    February 13, 2012 at 4:24 pm

    No offence but your jokes on these monday’s reviews sound a little too forced imho. In fact, your reviews start to remind me of the Nostalgia Critic ones (especialy this episode) they’re still more informatives though. I used to love Critic review but now they’re going down hill more and more every weeks. I prefer when you share your spontanious reaction with us (or at least what seem to be spontanius reactions) like in the Street fighter movie or the Screaming Werewolf review. In these review, you sound more natural and spontanious which was funny. I’m not trying to be an ass hole or being a pretencious punk who think he can do better here, It’s just what i’ve notice.

    Still, keep up the good work ;)

    • Devil_Rising

      February 14, 2012 at 1:40 pm

      @SonicUnderground316 No offense, but that entire contrived post sounded a bit forced, imho. Seriously man, I’m not “jumping to Mike’s defense” or something, but I really can’t see why some people come in here JUST to bust James or Mike’s balls about some silly thing like “man, that joke seemed forced”. You come here because, supposedly, you enjoy their videos. Complaining because you’re not getting Oscar quality comedy? Kind of defeats the purpose of the videos. Plus…..they’re free.

  • Stonen80

    February 13, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Where do you find these movies? lol

  • Frameskipper

    February 13, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    The flamethrowing scene at the end reminds me at this,

    about 2:50 here –>

    Seems like Till from Rammstein also found the magic gems.

  • RichardR

    February 13, 2012 at 5:24 pm


  • IkerRivercast

    February 13, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    So, Cannon was like The Asylum from the 80′s?

    • Big McLargehuge

      February 13, 2012 at 7:24 pm

      @IkerRivercast You could make that comparison. It’s not totally far off.

      One of the biggest differences was most Cannon’s films were shown in the theater and many of them became big hits. They even had a deal to produce a Spider-Man film at one point. Both The Asylum and Cannon Films followed Hollywood trends but Asylum’s movies are far more blatant rip-offs. Cannon followed trends too, but also helped popularize trends such as Ninja action movies which were popular throughout the decade. Then again, One of their biggest hits was “Missing in Action” which ripped off Rambo: First Blood part II but was a huge hit when it came out.

      One interesting movie they made was the horror/comedy “House of the Long Shadows” which starred Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Vincent Price and John Carradine. Some of their movies were even nominated for Academy Awards, like “Runaway Train”.

      But alas, they also made such stinkers such as Superman IV Captain America (1990) and Masters of the Universe.

      Anyway, sorry for the obnoxious history lesson but I’m an 80′s kid and I LOVE Cannon Films!!

      Must see Cannon Group films:

      -Enter the Ninja

      -Revenge of the Ninja (probably my favorite. Awesome movie)

      -Ninja III: The Domination (One of the funniest “bad” movies ever)

      -Missing in Action

      -Delta Force

      -The American Ninja series

      -Death Wish II, III, and Crackdown (They didn’t make the original)


      -Over the Top


      -Invaders from Mars

      -The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

      • Big McLargehuge

        February 13, 2012 at 9:04 pm

        @Mike/Cinemassacre @IkerRivercast Yeah I agree. He’s one of those great actors that can make even the shittiest of movies watchable.

      • Big McLargehuge

        February 13, 2012 at 9:55 pm

        @IkerRivercast Oh, I just thought I’d mention that in Death Wish 3 you get to see Deanna Troi’s titties. Magnificent.

      • Devil_Rising

        February 14, 2012 at 1:38 pm

        @Mike/Cinemassacre @Big McLargehuge @IkerRivercast The only copy of that movie I could find, unfortunately, had Swedish subtitles. But hey……having all those classic actors together in one film made it bearable.

  • BenjaminOstermeier

    February 13, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    Hahahaha that was GREAT! These reviews are getting better and better. The bit with Link was really funny. Almost as funny as this movie’s ridiculous special effects. Stryker’s head spinning and shooting fire was one of the silliest things I’ve seen!

  • Parry Hotter

    February 13, 2012 at 7:12 pm

    Kudos to you sitting through this crap. I couldn’t do it.

  • PB Jones

    February 13, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    I remember Cannon from the credit animation but somehow don’t connect it with cheese in my movie memory. Maybe I was just too easy to impress back then :p

    • Devil_Rising

      February 14, 2012 at 1:45 pm

      @PB Jones Little kids aren’t cynical enough yet (thankfully) to really care about things like cheesy special effects or low budgets…or hell, bad acting. I know I didn’t. Which is why when I saw Plan 9 From Outer Space as a kid, not only did I think it was actually creepy, but I took that shit dead serious, lol. Sometimes, I kinda still wish I was that way. Things were far more enjoyable through that lense. Though I will say, I do try my best to just not care about things like effects and other elements that make a lot of “bad” movies “bad” as an adult. Sure…there are some movies that are just plain unwatchable (look up Rem Lezar), but I still contend that in the case of most “bad” films, if you enjoy it, then it isn’t really “bad” after all.

  • starscream

    February 13, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    Mike, I love your reviews, but I wish you would review a few decent cult/fan-followed films. I’d love to see a review from you on The Goonies, Toxic Avenger, or maybe even a video game review. Also, I’d love to see a Motherfucker Monday movie review on Masters of the Universe.

    • mrsleep

      February 13, 2012 at 9:36 pm


      I guess you havn’t noticed, shitty movies are kinda their thing…

    • Doogrisa

      February 13, 2012 at 10:18 pm

      @starscream House (1977) that looks like a decent movie.

    • Devil_Rising

      February 14, 2012 at 1:47 pm

      @starscream I can see where you’re coming from, and if you’ve noticed, James himself has reviewed a lot of those type of more known films already for and even on here. But with Mike’s reviews, part of the point kind of seems to be that he lets us know about super-obscure films that most of us have never heard of. Personally, I enjoy that element of it.

  • Danel Gumundsson

    February 13, 2012 at 7:55 pm

    thank you for this review mike. its real nice for me to come home from school on Mondays and take a break and watch these reviews. so thanks for keeping me entertained.

  • SeanLawrence

    February 13, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    This makes my day

  • Albert Vilar

    February 13, 2012 at 8:00 pm

    This movie is pure GOLD.

  • Albert Vilar

    February 13, 2012 at 8:00 pm

    This movie is pure GOLD.

  • DarrenChambers

    February 13, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    I always find it funny in adventure movies, how there’s always some kind of door or obstacle that requires a special key to open. If there was an “Adventure Movie Locksmith” profession, I bet that shit would pay a bomb.

  • LordPindar

    February 13, 2012 at 9:31 pm

    Haha, this is great! Mofo mondays keep geting better and better. You’ve become relly skillful at this Mike. This one is probably the most entertaining yet. Soon no one will be able to withstand hillarity of that magnitude!!! :-O

  • cjryan1212

    February 13, 2012 at 9:51 pm

    I always wake up every morning and go “Awww shit…it’s Monday…no…wait…IT’S MOTHERFUCKING MONDAY!” And then I put on sunglasses and the CSI music plays.

  • TasosSaroglou

    February 13, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    Man stop given them ideas about that movie released on blueray they might do it in the end! thats why we will never see movies like fright night on blueray that at least they are pretty decent.Because they release other crap like that one on special editions,or blueray rereleases.And stop comparing movies like that with indiana jones they have no relation at all.

  • paxkey

    February 13, 2012 at 10:43 pm

    Thanks for this review MF mike. This blew my eleven year old mind when my mom took me and my friends to see this for my birthday. I give this an even shake with molly ringwald’s space hunter and delta force with chuck norris.

    And if you liked the flaming ball make sure to check out Walt Disney’s The Black Hole from around the same time.

    Back then it was common for films to release a color page book of the movie with a 45 at the back to play on the turntable. I played the hell out of the Black Hole…”Help me Maximilian..Help”

    • Devil_Rising

      February 14, 2012 at 1:36 pm

      @paxkey Different being, of course, that cheesy asteroid in one scene or not, The Black Hole otherwise had some great effects, and was all around a really good movie. This? Not so much, lol.

  • AdamSee

    February 13, 2012 at 11:42 pm

    Why all the “craps” and that awkward “what the frig”? Your name is Motherfucker Mike! Going for a PG-rating or some fuckin shit? You’d sound more natural if you let it all out man!

    PS-entertaining review!

  • likalaruku

    February 13, 2012 at 11:59 pm

    Bringing up Scrooge & “excuuuuuse me princess”, I can tell you read

    It does look so-bad-it’s-goo entertaining.

  • likalaruku

    February 14, 2012 at 12:00 am

    Bringing up Scrooge & “excuuuuuse me princess”, I can tell you read

    It does look so-bad-it’s-good entertaining.

  • rush86

    February 14, 2012 at 12:21 am

    awesome as always mike . keep it up

  • February 14, 2012 at 1:08 am

    I wouldnt say indies dad, I’d say he looks like a bad ganondorf cosplayer

  • GuitarsRgood

    February 14, 2012 at 1:38 am

    i laughed so much when Mike said “and it’s dick shoots towards the screen!”

  • Doogrisa

    February 14, 2012 at 1:43 am

    James Roofe and Mike Matinee dominate the internets!

    • Scrooge

      February 14, 2012 at 8:54 pm

      @Doogrisa Ummm… That’s James Rolfe and Mike Matei ^_^”

      • Doogrisa

        February 14, 2012 at 11:28 pm

        @Scrooge I know. I got it from mailbag episode 3 on James reads fan mail. its pretty funny.

  • CaleyNoland

    February 14, 2012 at 2:03 am

    Took an Arrow to the Screen!

    • Doogrisa

      February 14, 2012 at 2:29 am

      @CaleyNoland Oh God! not the arrow jokes please.

  • SteveHNo96

    February 14, 2012 at 3:10 am

    Speaking of fake Sean Connerys, you should totally get James to do “Zombie Nation” sometime. Some guy reviewed it a few years ago and used the phrase “Naked Zombie Sean Connery” to describe one of the bosses, but I know only AVGN can do this game justice.

    • CarlCollier

      February 14, 2012 at 3:48 am

      @SteveHNo96 That would be Spoony my friend :D

  • KoreyKleber

    February 14, 2012 at 5:10 am

    every time i hear mike or james say “this is an extremely rare movie” i find a copy for sale within five minutes! lol. reasonably priced mind you.

    • meeeeeeeeee

      February 14, 2012 at 9:18 am

      @KoreyKleber found it for 3.79 on ebay :P

  • BenSager

    February 14, 2012 at 6:08 am

    Hi Mike, great video for a, yeah, great masterpice of film history! Did you know the italian shitfest called “Supersonic Man”? That would be a great for future Mother***** Monday. Best.

  • JerramFahey

    February 14, 2012 at 7:56 am

    Did Cannon reinvent themselves as The Asylum? They’re pretty much doing the same thing today, though they’re less subtle about it.

  • Frameskipper

    February 14, 2012 at 11:15 am

    The german title of this is “Das Geheimnis der vier Kronjuwelen”.

    What would translate to “The secret of the four crown jewels”.

    So nothing to funny there.

    BUT in germany the word “Kronjewelen” is an synoym for the male genitals, like “family jewels” in america would be.

    So the german title is actually “The secret of the four family jewels.”

    This movies doesn’t just suck balls. It is balls.

  • Frameskipper

    February 14, 2012 at 11:15 am

    The german title of this is “Das Geheimnis der vier Kronjuwelen”.

    What would translate to “The secret of the four crown jewels”.

    So nothing to funny there.

    BUT in germany the word “Kronjewelen” is an synoym for the male genitals, like “family jewels” in america would be.

    So the german title is actually “The secret of the four family jewels.”

    This movie doesn’t just suck balls. It is balls.

  • February 14, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    Making a research I discovered that it’s an Italian production…lol…

    BTW: I’m from Italy, and seeing this crap remind me that we are very good at making film like this XD

    • Frameskipper

      February 14, 2012 at 2:27 pm

      @Kiarachu Seems like crap is produced everywhere at any time :)

      It doesn’t even matter if crap is produced, as long as it has style.

      This one has!

      • February 14, 2012 at 2:35 pm

        @Frameskipper Ahahah…you think that it’s one of those film that it’s so bad, it’s so good? XD

        And anyway, you’re right :3

      • Frameskipper

        February 14, 2012 at 3:01 pm

        @Kiarachu I just thought about which movies from german production would fit int the “so bad its good” category.

        The first one that came into my mind is

        “Texas: Doc Snyder hält die Welt in Atem”

        But i think that theres no english version of this.

        Unfortunately not, its so bad I love it :).

      • February 14, 2012 at 3:13 pm

        @Frameskipper There isn’t an Italian version either…and I was thinking about what type of “so bad its good” Italian film too…mmmh…nope…no idea XD

        But I could say “Piranha 3D” is one of those films…or “Boa VS Python” too…

      • Frameskipper

        February 14, 2012 at 3:21 pm

        @Kiarachu Maybe every movie is good as long the audience is crazy enough :)

        Hmmm… I think I’ve to turn mad. No more bad movies then :D

      • February 14, 2012 at 4:19 pm

        @Frameskipper Ahahah…yeah…it all reside in the eye of the watcher (I think it’s right…XD)

        My theory is that the concept of “normal” is a preconceived conept, and it depend on the person. One thing that you think is normal, maybe for someone else it isn’t, so that person think that you are crazy.

        So I think that we are all normal, or maybe we all are mad…either way, I think that you must be yourself, and not what others tell you to be :3

      • Frameskipper

        February 14, 2012 at 5:54 pm

        @Kiarachu Truly spoken.

        The “non common mind” is judged as wacky. While the common is set as the way to be.

        But maybe the sane are locked away while the insane are running freely.

      • February 14, 2012 at 7:49 pm

        @Frameskipper I’m a “non common mind” XD

        But I think that you already know…since I’m one of the few girl who enjoy seeing the Nerd, and in general Jame’s videos :3

        And maybe you’re right…I work in a hypermarket, and I could write a book about all the wackos that came to me XD

        And “common” is overrated…I prefer to be a wacko :D

  • Haisman7

    February 14, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    Motherfucker Mike!!! =)

  • Haisman7

    February 14, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    You forgot the Intro mike, you have to say “it’s motherfucking monday”! =)

    • Frameskipper

      February 14, 2012 at 5:48 pm

      @Haisman7 Yes, that’s essential. Because you forgot to say that, I didn’t go to work.

      I thought it would still be Sunday :D

  • sammex

    February 14, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    Great work Mike. That was really f-ing funny actually. Your’e all-right mate :)

  • Jack4x4

    February 14, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    mike is a genius. He is naturally funny and artistic.

  • necrom23

    February 14, 2012 at 9:13 pm

    How about having a fake George Lucas night with this and the fake Turkish star wars movie?

  • Hanglyman

    February 15, 2012 at 12:02 am

    Our local video store had this back when we’d rent bad movies every Friday night, and it was one of our favorites out of all the ones we’d seen over the years. Then they entirely eliminated their VHS section, and we never go there anymore… there’s no point, they’re exactly like NetFlix now, only less convenient. It’s really sad to see them just toss out all those movies… now it’s pretty much impossible to find weird, obscure films like this that never got a DVD release.

    • lord lovecraft

      February 15, 2012 at 5:39 pm


      amen to that

    • muzackattack

      February 15, 2012 at 10:28 pm

      @Hanglyman i love VHS tapes better than DVDs cause on scratch or smudge can ruin the DVD forever i miss the old times

    • LysanderTheevilmonkey

      February 16, 2012 at 12:56 am


      How come they did’nt sell them?!

    • February 16, 2012 at 10:38 am

      @Hanglyman Yeah, it seems like obscure bad movies from the VHS era were a lot more fun to watch. Trying to pick out a generic DVD or Blueray is almost always a disappointment. There are a lot of terrible movies that did make dvd releases, but they aren’t terrible in that fun/campy way. They are usually just genuinely boring and dull.

  • markfilmjunkie

    February 15, 2012 at 12:38 am

    death wish was good

  • markfilmjunkie

    February 15, 2012 at 12:56 am

    next review masters of the universe

  • February 15, 2012 at 2:48 am

    RIP J.T. Striker

  • Strazdas

    February 15, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Blockbuster ripoffs? soundsl iek Asylum movies nowadays :D

    3D stuff, it was famous in 50s then people realized it sucks. it was famous in 80s then people realized it sucks. it is popular now till people realize it sucks. looks like we got a craze in ever generation.

    The “Star wars opening crawl” really isnt Star Wars one. it was used in hundreds of movies. bac then.

  • pro thizz

    February 15, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    never heard about or seen this movie before. learn something new at cinemassacre everyday.

  • lord lovecraft

    February 15, 2012 at 5:40 pm

    id like to see a review of dagon.

  • hadeus faustus

    February 16, 2012 at 12:32 am

    what a fucking stupid movie. A big pile of cum guzzling horsefuck

  • February 16, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    You should call Monday videos “Mundane Movie Mondays”

  • Shazza1990

    February 16, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    Tambourine in yo’ face!

  • phookangloosehair

    February 16, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    Freaking brilliant Mike!

  • newmadhatter

    February 17, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    I love the movies you review Mike, I was running on a dry spell of terrible movies.

  • c64kicksass

    February 18, 2012 at 8:08 am

    @Mike Matei

    If you need a good nickname, how about “Here’s Massacre Mike from CineMassacre”? I mean it would fit without you making an ass of yourself. Most of the movies you review are just a massacre of a movie, and others are movies about or containing massacres and getting video games to glitch out is also like a massacre on the silicon chips.

  • GreyFox

    February 21, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    “So instead of Indiana Jones, here we have J.T. Striker………………..what an actor”LMAO that was an awesome review, nice job!

  • muckspreadmadness

    February 22, 2012 at 10:31 pm

    great balls of fire lol

  • DaBun

    February 24, 2012 at 8:37 am

    I saw this when it was in theaters, and dear god the 3D effects were annoying. I walked out after about 20 minutes and went to watch “Timer Rider” instead.

  • Kaleidoscopic God

    February 28, 2012 at 1:13 am

    The Great Balls of Fire joke would have been quite a bit funnier if you didn’t subsequently explain it.

  • ViktorFarfarAndersson

    February 29, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    hmm… Jerry Lee Lewis got another mention here, now my question that you didnt answer on Reddit is even more relevant

  • DerekShort

    March 2, 2012 at 12:24 am

    God damn this movie looks awful

    • Kaleidoscopic God

      March 2, 2012 at 12:48 pm

      [email protected] Whoops! What you meant to say was “God damn this movie looks BRILLIANT!” We forgive you, just try not to do that again.

  • meaFILMS

    April 8, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    Thanks for the review!
    The entire movie is on YouTube for the curious and uninitiated.

    This came out when I was about 8 years old and I use to watch it all of the time on RCA CED (video disc). Then I thought it was pretty cool and I enjoyed the frights, acrobatics, adventure, comedy and the lame stuff flying at the screen. It was cheesy and filled with Three Stooges 3D effects which were odd but made it unique and burned this film into your brain. Being a little kid this movie was just another adventure to go on besides Raiders of the Lost Ark, Star Wars and Big Trouble in Little China that not many knew about (no comparison for sure).

    Now as an adult the movie is nostalgic to watch but terrible to see like a lot of films I grew up with.

    Anyway from this film I will always have a place burned into my mind about bad 3D (any 3D), climbing on a ceiling to reach a goal with touch sensitive walls/floors below and Sean Connery leading an evil cult with weird masks.

    I do NOT think my 5 year old would sit through it and nor would I make him!

  • Aaron1375

    June 5, 2012 at 3:05 am

    Yeah this movie is all shit flying around during the first part, talking, crap flying around in the cabin, talking, and finally more crap flying around for the finale.

  • Robert Patterson

    September 23, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    you ought to review the masters of the universe movie

  • nammm3

    April 9, 2014 at 11:27 pm

    That alien at the end that popped out of that piece of crap… I have no idea how to react to it. Great review man!

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