CHILDHOOD STUFF: Return of the Horrorscope

James / May 29th, 2011

Another horoscope I did for the school newspaper, around age 10.

Having trouble reading? I’ll retype it. Having trouble understanding it? Can’t help you there.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19)
Are there any articles that you want to write? Enter the school newspaper club next month. I think a capricorn will.

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18)
A bunch of frogs will crash through your window and a bunch of goats will be playing hockey on your roof.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20)
If you were born on a leap year, exactly on February 29, you won’t have a birthday on years that have no February 19th o! February. Your age will reset until the next February 29th. So, you will age slower. If you weren’t born on February 29, a giant moose will break into your house and eat all your food.

ARIES (March 21 to April 19)
.edam I tseT resaeT niarB eht yrT ?selzzup erom yrt annaW .sdrawkcab ti daer ouy fi esnes ekam dlouw siht derugif uoy fi revelc yrev era uoy !YEH

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20)
Next time you are bored, wish for it and a clown will come down your chimney to entertain you. If you don’t have a chimney, don’t worry. He will stuff himself down that tiny chimney that’s connected to your heater. You’ll have to help him out then. Either that or he won’t entertain you. If you don’t have a heater chimney, too bad.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20)
Only you. Only YOU can do this. If a full moon occurs on Friday the 13th, you will be able to jump over the moon. But, only at midnight. Try it out next time.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) AGAIN?
Watch out! You might trip or slip on something. I don’t know exactly what it is, but watch the floor as you walk.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22)
I’ve run out of ideas. Uh, let me think…….. Okay, I’ve got one. Look through a dictionary or better yet, a thesaurus. Find out knew words. Don’t use any slang words or curse words when you speak. Use big words. People will think you’re more intelligent.

LEO (July 23 to August 22)
You are going to have a real lucky day tomorrow. But, if you wanna risk having an even better day, simply say “I risk an even better day.” I suggest NOT to risk. It may turn out to be the worst day of your life.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22)
Don’t pick a yellow flower. It may put a curse on you. On the next Wednesday, at midnight, you will be stemmed to the ground the same way a flower is.

LIBRA (The next time you see the sun and the moon at the same time, try grabbing the sun with your left hand and the moon with your right hand. Then, slam them together.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21)
Try eating strange new things. They might taste good. I tried paper before. It tasted good. I’ve tried dog food. Now that tasted horrible. Some types of guinea pig food tasted good.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21)
Here’s something to try. Climb up the front of your house using NO ladder. Climb all the way over it and down on the other side. Climb over your house.

 

 

 

Comments

  • Karate Kid Icarus

    May 29, 2011 at 6:23 am

    So that explains why Gary Coleman is a Pisces and why there’s a moose in my kitchen.

  • goldeneye007man

    May 29, 2011 at 6:53 am

    when i jumped over the moon i slipped on something…damn James your pretty good at this

  • ZeroCharisma

    May 29, 2011 at 7:13 am

    You’ve eaten multiple types of guinea pig food?
    And telling kids to climb their houses? Were you trying to get some Sagittarius kid injured?

    You seem like you were a real strange kid.

  • xdeathknightx

    May 29, 2011 at 7:54 am

    Very cool horoscopes James.

  • May 29, 2011 at 8:17 am

    Now I want to see the “tseT resaeT niarB”…

  • May 29, 2011 at 8:20 am

    A moose is going to break into my house? No!

  • Andrew Johnson

    May 29, 2011 at 9:24 am

    i’m afraid you missed one thing. you forgot to tell me that i would break my legs when climbing over my house.

  • May 29, 2011 at 9:26 am

    I would take any risk, but not for a better day. All good things come to those who wait!

  • Jimbo

    May 29, 2011 at 10:06 am

    That explains why a Moose ate my food.

  • May 29, 2011 at 10:30 am

    PISCES (February 19 to March 20)
    If you were born on a leap year, exactly on February 29, you won’t have a birthday on years that have no February 19th o! February. Your age will reset until the next February 29th. So, you will age slower. If you weren’t born on February 29, a giant moose will break into your house and eat all your food.

    “How dare you make such errors on the day the moos will break in and eat my food! lol! I’m sure you meant 29th not 19th and the o! is just odd and funny.”

  • tehniobium

    May 29, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    Even back then you where very productive it seems!

    When I was around that age I always wanted to do things like that, but the only big projects I ever completed where Lego sets…

  • Jack Noir

    May 29, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    yeah we’re going to be needing you to hand over that brain teaser test i’m afraid

  • hajpermegaman

    May 29, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    >I tried paper before. It tasted good. I’ve tried dog food. Now that tasted horrible.

    wait, wat…dog food? really?

  • TomM

    May 29, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    Hmmmm. I never really thought of what would happen if you were born on a leap year on Feb. 29. That would be pretty cool though. Very strange, yet funny horoscopes.

  • Belleraphone

    May 29, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    100x funnier than overanalyzers. Overanalyzers fucking sucks.

  • Murphy2112

    May 29, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    A cousin of my cousin was born the 29th of February. He turned out all right.

  • ctu

    May 29, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    I risk an even better day

    There I said it :)

  • Murphy2112

    May 29, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    “Don’t use any slang words or curse words when you speak.”

    That’s rich, considering that James is known as one of the most foul-mouthed motherfuckers on the internet.

  • greedo

    May 29, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    “Okay, I’ve got one. Look through a dictionary or better yet, a thesaurus. Find out knew words. Don’t use any slang words or curse words when you speak. Use big words. People will think you’re more intelligent”.

    Ouch! Good one James! Someone send this to Gordon Ramsay, pronto! LOL

    @Murphy2112 That he is. But at least James swears creatively!

    By the way, James, you haven’t used the word “ass” in any of your AVGN videos recently. If it’s not too much trouble, could you find a way to work it into either your film, or the next episode when you come off of hiatus? Thanks.

  • Analbag Thats Me

    May 29, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    God Damn moose! Get the fuck out of my kitchen!

  • I AM ERROR

    May 29, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    i was born on friday the 13th on a full moon

  • maikii

    May 30, 2011 at 3:56 am

    “If you don’t have a heater chimney, too bad.”

    That had me laughing quite a bit.

  • scronan

    May 30, 2011 at 8:34 am

    This is some crazy stuff, I love it! I think you forgot one though:

    “You will grow up to make videos about shitty old NES games and become famous. You will also curse like a sailor and drink Rolling Rock beer. And talk to dancing shit pickles.”

  • buckfutter

    May 30, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    Im a scorpio, I think I’ll try some sushi or something. Looks like I got off easy, I wont have to climb my house XD

  • Acashana

    May 30, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    You were a magnanimous kid, James.

  • the german fan

    May 30, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    I tried risking an even better day.
    It gave me a migraine.

  • BobJohnson

    May 30, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    No wonder my t.v. doesn’t work, fuckin’ goatse on the roofse!

  • nintendophile

    May 30, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    Maybe there were two Gemini entries because Gemini are the “Twins”?

  • Nick Williams

    May 30, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    James did you really eat dog food as a kid? :O

  • Jehauri

    May 30, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    Jesus, I’m really glad I’m not a Taurus.

  • Undertaker91

    May 30, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    once again i get the boring one, couldnt u have come up with any interesting for Capricorn back then James?

  • Mr. Voorhees

    May 31, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    As if it wasn’t hard enough to read backwards, some of the letters were faded. Then I realised you had retyped it below, and felt like a complete retard. -.-

  • May 31, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    Yeah, James, people will think you’re more intelligent. LOL

  • May 31, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    dammit! im a capricorn. i got the lame fortune =( especially since my school hasnt had a school paper since like, 1985!

  • MassholeMatt

    June 1, 2011 at 5:05 am

    Of course he ate dog food as a kid it’s called SPAGHETTI O’S WITH MEATBALLS!!

  • June 1, 2011 at 10:07 am

    @James What is the brain teaser test you’re talking about in the aries ??

  • UneX100

    June 1, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    Woah, Aries is the only horrorscope backwards. I feel special :)

  • BLOODLINE27

    June 1, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    hah lol

  • sanguintine

    June 1, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    CLIMB OVER YOUR HOUSE

  • galientdomo

    June 2, 2011 at 1:40 am

    I don’t know if I should risk the even better day. I probably will.

  • June 7, 2011 at 11:06 am

    This was great. I lol’d at “Climb over your house” as if you were saying, “Don’t get it? Lemme put it in layman’s terms: CLIMB OVER YOUR HOUSE.”

    And the sun and moon thing was fucking brilliantly interesting to think of. Cartoon-worthy idea.

  • June 20, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    You’ve got to be kidding me. I’m a Scorpio, and I once stole my brother’s guinea pig’s snacks because they were so delicious T_T

  • Gunderman

    July 16, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    @Maxime Lemieux it says “HEY! you are very clever if you figured this would make sense if you read it backwards. Wanna try more puzzles? Try the Brain Teaser Test I made.”

  • jrhall3

    March 19, 2012 at 9:57 pm

    In Soviet Mother Russia, Dog food eat you.

Leave a Reply

Around the Web